Release date 2019; Kevin Hart; 7,6 / 10 Stars; Writer Jeff Pinkner;
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The concept of Jumanji is hugely fun - kids get sucked into a video game. The first one was just that. In this sequel, main character Spencer has been diminished to an ineffective self-pitying incompetent who blows off his incredibly hot girlfriend Bethany because, after leaving for college, he feels unworthy of her. (Huh? Never happen.)
On coming home for Christmas, instead of going to see the old team, and hooking up again with this - did I mention she was incredibly hot. girlfriend, he feels so sorry for himself, he goes into the Jumanji world, even though he knows that by himself, he could die there, or get stuck there forever. So, suicide by video game.
But his friends won't let that happen, they're going to risk their lives for him and go after him. Great!
Then, two more people get sucked into the game. Spencer's crochety, debilitated Grampa, and Grampa's long-winded boring friend.
You can tell the scene between the two old men doesn't belong in this film. Check this out: Spencer has disappeared. Significant problem! Friends are going looking for him. Significant tension! Milo comes over to talk to Grampa. No tension at all. That is an indication that the story has a glitch.
Grampa and Milo are taking about their relationship. It's true they have conflict with each other, but there are no consequences to the story for this conflict, so it has no effect; it creates no tension in the story. In fact, Grampa and Milo's whole story arc has no effect on the Jumanji story arc at all. Every time they have a scene together, the tension level bottoms out, just as it does when they are sitting at the kitchen table talking to each other. And yet they are the ones who get sucked into the game.
Ever gone on a road trip and found out someone has invited Miserable, Complaining, Never Enjoys Anything, Never Stops Making Nasty Cracks guy? That is when you bail out of the car! Right then! And if you don't bail out of the car, you isolate the guy, you put him in the 'way back, you give him a headset, you separate him out so he doesn't ruin the trip for everyone else. Instead, because this is Spencer's Special Grampa, everyone kowtows to him, everyone carries him along, like he's some kind of gross spoiled toddler. A much better plan would be to let him get killed off quickly - so he doesn't kill you! Like he keeps doing!
So, launched into this story that should be a whole lot of fun, we are saddled with a hero you can't identify with (self-pitying and ineffectual - not a character you can root for) and an old crochety guy and his boring friend who have hijacked the story.
What if, instead, it goes like this: Spencer goes off to college, and Bethany joins a group to go help people by building houses overseas (as stated in the film. There, she meets an older, attractive, capable guy with the same values, and she is the one blowing off Spencer. When Spencer comes home, excited to see his old team, he hurries to the restaurant and finds Bethany there first, kissing the new boyfriend. That would send him into the game, in the hope that the old team - and Bethany - would come and get him out again, and they'd all be back to normal.
Then, instead of sucking in two characters who do not enjoy or engage with the Jumanji world, how about the days-from-retiring postman, who happens to come to the house at that moment. She is debilitated, tired of life, knows everyone in the neighborhood, and she's played by Whoopee Goldberg. Whoopee gets sucked into the game, and enjoys the heck out of her avatar - trying everything it can do - and the world, to the point where she keeps trying to explore places you can't go. Having the time of her life, and disrupting the rescue mission with her enthusiasm. Everything she did would be a surprise to us. It would be joyful and fun.
Or, how about the disabled scientist next door (think Stephen Hawking, if her were still alive) sucked into the game, gains an avatar who can move and fight and speak, and a world whose magical physics he can explore. He, too, would enjoy the heck out of it, and so would we. Joy and enthusiasm are contagious - and so is misery. Miserable Grampa has hijacked this story and sucked the fun out of it.
Or, when Bethany goes to get help from Alex, how about his kids get sucked into the story instead? Especially a little kid. A little girl, playing one of the men, and having the time of her life suddenly knowing things, or able to do things, and having tantrums when crossed. Now THAT would have been FUN! And the actors, playing a little girl playing their avatar, would have had fun too.
Grampa's problem with Milo is so stupid is hurts. They used to own a restaurant in town together. Milo cooked a hundred plates a day in this restaurant for 35 years. He wanted to retire, so he forced Grampa to sell the restaurant, and he went and had fifteen enjoyable years traveling around with his wife. Grampa hasn't spoken to him in all that time, in 15 years, because he is so angry that he lost the restaurant, his purpose in life, and his partner. (Tell this story to three different people: There are these two guys who. What kind of reactions would you get? Boredom and indifference. That is a clue!
And another thing. While the black guy was in the kitchen cooking a hundred plates a day, what was Crabby Grampa doing? Managing? If he was managing, but the black guy was cooking, how is that a partnership? And if they own the restaurant, couldn't they hire a cook? If Milo wanted to retire, couldn't they train a new cook and Grampa can keep on running the restaurant? It just doesn't make sense.
The resolution to this arc is that at the end of their Jumanji adventure, they apologize to each other. And, once again, this has absolutely no effect on the story. Which is how you can tell it doesn't belong there.
The movie, which starts with Spencer, and is supposed to be about Spencer, ends with Grampa. Grampa goes to this restaurant that he ran for 35 years, and meets Nora, the new owner, who is at her wit's end because she can't keep a manager. Oh? Says Grampa, you need a manager?
Nora is characterized as a nincompoop, because she would have to be a nincompoop to hire the guy who used to own the restaurant, and managed it for 35 years. She will never get her way again, if she does. But she isn't a nincompoop. Restaurants close every day, and she has kept this one going for 15 years.
And then, the unkindest cut of all - Grampa comes on to her. He gives her Bravestone's stormy look. Yup. Just the guy you want to have working for you; the old guy who's coming on to you. That's why they have to characterize Nora as a nincompoop. Otherwise she would have a real-world, real woman's reaction, and that would not make the story end well for Grampa.
So, the end of Grampa's arc is that after fifteen years he gets his restaurant back. And he's starting a romance with Nora. But this is a huge pay-off to a set-up that isn't there. This is Spencer's story. This is about Jumanji, and the effect that Jumanji has on the lives of the people who are sucked into it. Except for Grampa and Milo.
The mise en scene is spectacular. I could almost forgive the whole film for the dirigible the end. That was marvelous! The villain's fortress, the extreme desert, the hanging bridges, were fantastic. The mix of ancient and modern, strange trucks and cars, and camels, was wonderful. The villain's horde of evil minions being full of women - not female hangers on, but evil women minions - was delightful! Thank you for that!
In thinking back over the film, each scene was well-shaped, well-timed, with interesting events, moved the plot from one place to another (except the Grampa-Milo scenes) in often surprising ways. If only the characters had not been talking, the scenes would have been much better. The verbiage often undermined the strength of the scenes. Which is odd - great verbiage is usually a lot easier to write than great scenework. But since the characters are being twisted to serve the head-trips of the writers, it makes sense that it would turn out that way.
Jumanji II is a wonderful idea, that has been hijacked for Cute Crusty Miserable Grampa and his boring friend. Like stealing toys from children, it stinks, especially when the thieves never liked the toys after all. They handle them and dump them. They never have any fun with it, and so, neither do we.

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