Megan Fleming shares tips for dealing with mismatched libidos, kinks, and more.

Given how diverse people's sexual interests can be, you've probably been in a situation when your desires didn't quite line up with your partner's. Maybe you suggested a role-playing scene that, to you, was hot as hell, but it shocked your partner and you felt shame as a result. Or, perhaps you're madly in love, but there's one big problem in your relationship: You have a drastically higher sex drive than your partner.

Dr. Megan Fleming, an NYC-based clinical psychologist specializing in sex and relationships, is an expert in helping couples deal with all kinds of desire discrepancy. She works with people all over the world, offering online programs and workshops that are designed to help people know and own their pleasure, a foundation for having a great sex life with a partner.

"One of the most common reasons couples come to sex therapy is that one partner has a higher sex drive and is interested in sex more often than their partner consistently and over time," Fleming says. "This leads to tension, and often avoidance. It can sometimes lead to less affection in the relationship, because you don't want to give your partner any mixed signals, and hugging, kissing, or spooning up next to them may feel like a green light to your partner. And you know, it's not a green light."

But libido is just one type of discrepancy Fleming helps clients navigate. We asked Fleming 20 questions about how people can deal with differences in their sexual desires, including dealing with sexual shame, when relationships can reach a compromise, and when it might be time to let things go. Keep reading for detailed information from the expert on everything you've ever wondered about mismatched sexual desire.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Your passion is working with couples with desire discrepancies. Can you explain what that means?
When sex goes well, it's often a small part of a relationship. When it's not going well, lack of sex (or sex that doesn't feel worth having) casts a shadow on the relationship as a whole. Most couples have difficulties having conversations about sex, needs, preferences, turn-ons, and what sex helps them to feel. Or, as my friend and colleague Esther Perel would say, sex isn't just something you do; it's a place you go. There is so much to explore, and most couples, over time, begin to feel helpless and hopeless and wonder if they can live like this for the rest of their lives. What is or feels like "sexless" isn't what one generally signs up for when getting married. I'm excited to be the one who offers hope and helps couples get at the root of their mismatched levels of desire. I can assure you that there's so much they don't yet know about why their sex life and relationship look the way it does now, which is a far cry from where they started.

How does this process evolve?
Relationship dynamics in and of themselves can exacerbate already-existing differences in desire. Couples bring the baggage and frustrations of this issue to the present moment, which in and of itself is a block to change. I call this foreclosure of imagination. If they can't believe it or see it, we start there: What's the shared vision of the sex and relationship their hearts most desire? What does that look like? When we get clear on that, it's a process of reverse engineering to see what changes need to take place and what new skills need to be developed. Great sex doesn't "just happen" on a consistent, long-term basis. It's about conditions, skills, and angles!

Is it safe to say that everyone's sexual needs are different?
Absolutely! Our pleasure preferences are as unique as our fingertips. That said, there are a lot of sexual needs/preferences that couples share and are ubiquitous to most. The majority of men enjoy oral sex, for instance. Not true for all, but most. Yet even if we know in general what our partner likes, we have the opportunity to learn from them what they like so that together we can see how we might make it different or even better. It's important when it comes to sexual preferences and fantasies that we don't judge; we make room for our partner's experience so that we can understand why from their perspective, these things are such a turn-on. Knowing the "why" something turns our partner on and knowing we have the power to turn them on in this way is, well, a real turn-on.

If you fall in love with someone who wants more or less sex than you do, is it a death sentence to the relationship?
No, although it is a challenge. Often one not anticipated because during the romantic phase of the relationship, under the love cocktail of dopamine and other feel-good neurotransmitters, sex drives are often compatible in the beginning. You may be having sex every day or sometimes several times a day. When the romantic phase ends, typically 1-2 years into a relationship, the challenge comes in. That's when we begin to see the true nature of mismatched levels of desire. Some people feel duped. It was so different in the beginning. Sex therapists are like detectives, figuring out all factors from a biological, psychological, and social perspective that have shifted or changed. Diagnostically, if you once had a great passionate sex life, even if in the beginning stages, you already have muscle memory, and it's possible to find mutually fulfilling sexual relationships. Even for couples who never had great sex, it's possible, although admittedly more challenging.

Sex is more complicated than how often you have it. Can you talk about couples with different kinks?
Absolutely, sex isn't just about quantity; it's also quality. Most couples get into sexual ruts doing the same thing the same time, where sex can get mechanical and sometimes feel like sex is not worth having. Exploring turn-ons and expanding your sexual repertoire, or as I often refer to as your sexual menu, is incredibly important. I want everyone to have a Greek Diner menu with lots of options to choose from. What kind of an experience do we want to create? It can include kink, light bondage, exploring power dynamics, and sharing fantasies. For couples in committed relationships, the relationship is the safety net to go into the unknown and explore your turn-ons. We can go out on the proverbial limb where it might feel exciting and terrifying knowing we are discovering together and are in this together. I help couples come up with a "yes, no, and not for now" list that they revisit every six months. When trying new things, I recommend only introducing something new when already highly aroused. Research has found that people say yes to and enjoy things that they said no to when not aroused.

What are some of the ways couples with desire discrepancies can come together? (Forgive the pun.)
Love the pun. One of the most helpful things for these couples is learning that there are two valid pathways to sexual desire. Most of us only know or think about spontaneous desire, a feeling of wanting, but there's also responsive desire. Responsive desire looks like a cold engine, there's no interest, and the embodied response to the initiation is a hard NO. Here, the game-changer is, "What's one small thing you can say yes to?" Because responsive desire, coined from the research of Rosemary Basson, is about Willingness or being Open and Receptive. If you can say yes to a back massage or stroking your hair, and the touch feels good in the body, through the body getting aroused, desire kicks in. The sexual response cycle isn't as linear as once thought, and this is true for both women and men. Helping couples create the right conditions for willingness and responsive desire is key.

Also, learning each partner's turn-ons, a.k.a. accelerators, turn-offs, and breaks. Sexual response is a dual control model. Some people have quick breaks and slow accelerators, some slow breaks, high accelerators, and every combination in-between. Knowing your brakes and accelerators and the contexts they often show up gives you and your partner so much to work with. Or should I say play? Adults don't get many places to play; sex certainly can be one of them.

Polyamory and open relationships are trendy, but is that the answer to everyone for mismatched desires?
I think it's important to recognize that there are different relationship structures, and it's about finding one that works for you both. It's not uncommon that when desire differences create a lot of stress and tension, opening the relationship comes up as an option. More often than not, I experience one partner willing to "try on" opening the relationship to save the relationship.

Is it possible to have a monogamous relationship with someone who has different needs than you?
If it's not something you want or works for you, it won't work. I've seen all kinds of considerations and practices that work for couples, like it's OK when traveling abroad to have sex with someone else ,but only under defined circumstances and never near home. You can have different needs; the key is figuring out how they can or can't get met in the relationship and if there's a solution that works for both partners.
https://www.xing.com/events/hd-2022-1080p-4k-3978313
https://vk.com/@fimalus-zh-top-gun-maverick-hd-720p-2022-hd
https://dailybusinesspost.com/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-dont-...
http://www.shadowville.com/board/general-discussions/what-to-do-whe...
https://www.xing.com/events/2022-1080p-3978301
https://public.flourish.studio/visualisation/10159711/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40755/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40720/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40721/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40727/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40723/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40725/
https://muckrack.com/shepherd-jeffrey61/bio
https://public.flourish.studio/visualisation/10159651/
https://vk.com/@731820396-incantation2022hd1080p4k
https://blogs.itb.ac.id/cecep/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-dont-...
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40726/
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40756/
https://m.mydigoo.com/forums-topicdetail-464047.html
https://vk.com/@mopietop123-top-gun-maverickhd2022
https://www.rw-forum.com/topic/148543-what-to-do-when-your-sex-driv...
https://www.hihonor.com/fr/club/topicdetail/topicid-40759/
https://beterhbo.ning.com/profiles/blogs/what-to-do-when-your-sex-d...
https://www.xing.com/events/hd-1080p-tw-full-2022-4k-3978305
https://www.techrum.vn/threads/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-dont...
https://public.flourish.studio/visualisation/10159830/
http://ptits.net/boards/t/82408/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-don...
https://writeonwall.com/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-dont-match-...
https://www.dancehalldatabase.com/forum/Dancehall-Reggae/What-to-Do...
https://caribbeanfever.com/photo/albums/katy-belle
https://issuu.com/shepherdjeffrey61
At what point does a couple have to admit that they aren't the right fit for one another?
When they've done the work: When you've tried on your own [and] when you've met with a qualified therapist. (For sexual issues, I recommend [finding someone with] certification by the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists). If, ultimately, you can't find a happy medium where it feels like both of your core needs are getting met, and you feel you've left no stone unturned, it can be time to say goodbye. I want couples to feel like they've each given 100% of their 50%, so there's no regret later after the break up.

How can therapy or couple's counseling address mismatched desires?
So many ways. First and foremost, facilitating the hard conversations that most couples are avoiding. Through a thorough assessment of your relationship and sexual status, what you've tried, haven't, understanding the meaning of sex for you and your partner, and a myriad of other questions, we get clarity on the core issues. We explore the immediate causes (i.e., anxiety) and potential deeper issues (i.e., difficulties with intimacy) at the root of the differences. Sometimes relationship/couples work is the place to start first to build the connection and create the foundation for sex therapy. Essentially you know the territory, and your therapist knows the map. Together we create a treatment plan.

What impacts desire? Is it all genetics, or do family, religion, and social expectations play a role?
What doesn't? Genetics, family, religion, culture, past sexual experiences, sexual trauma, and let's not forget stress, which I consider the #1 killer of libido. When people are stressed, they are running on empty, not resourced. I say it's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs; sleep will trump eroticism every time. We all have sexual narratives, and it's important to know your narrative, what parts work for you, and what parts don't. What's your ideal vision of your relationship and sex life? Be proactive in showing up for and taking action (sometimes baby steps) towards the sex life you want. I often say, in the beginning, sometimes we have to go slower to move faster. It's like the law of physics: Inertia literally takes more energy to get sex life going, but it's easier to get toward flow when there's momentum.

How often does shame come up in your work, and how do you help people with sexual shame?
Shame is a strong inhibitor or break on our arousal. Unlike guilt, which makes you feel like you've done something bad, shame is a sense of I am bad. Feeling there is something inherently wrong or bad about your sexual preferences and desires is toxic and the biggest wet blanket you can imagine. You are normal; you have normal desires. There is a wide range of normal; you may be an outlier, but you are not alone, and the erotic mind is limitless. Sexual fantasies are often politically incorrect. Helping clients move past shame is huge in helping them to know and own their own pleasure. Not to mention it frees up a lot of energy.

Have you worked with clients shamed within their relationships for their mismatched desires? (For example, someone being called a sex addict when they are just really horny?) If so, how can that relationship get back on healthy ground?
Though not always consciously, people often can shame their partners for being too little, i.e. inhibited (prude), or too much, i.e. excited (whore/slut). There is no better or worse; there is only a significant difference, however, that the couple needs to work through to experience sexual satisfaction. If there is out-of-control sexual behavior that takes away your agency or consent or puts you at risk for STIs, that's an entirely different story. Seek treatment ASAP.

What do you make of the controversial concept of sex addiction?
Sex addiction is recognized by some, but not by the DSM-5, which is how we diagnose mental health disorders. I don't think of it as an addiction but rather Out of Control Sexual Behavior based on the work of my friend and colleague Doug Braun-Harvey. A big part of the work is coming up with a sexual health plan.

If a couple has different turn-ons, kinks, and fetishes, what are some ways to explore together without the other party feeling like they are breaking a boundary?
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I have a partner introduce their turn-ons or what they'd like to explore by showing your partner something you read or heard that brings up what you'd love to explore. It's a way to gauge your partner's reaction with less vulnerability because a source outside of you normalizes and eroticizes what you want to introduce to your partner. Are they game? If not, why? It's the opportunity to communicate and expand your conversation. When you discover shared fantasies—for example, a threesome—it's important to remember that not all fantasy is erotic in real life. I have couples think about what it looks like to put a toe in the water (flirt at a bar with a third, maybe kiss) vs. jumping in the deep end (bringing a partner home). Take your time exploring the role of bringing your fantasies to life, so see if the reality as it unfolds is a turn-on for you both.

How vital are boundaries when navigating mismatched desires?
Boundaries are always important in healthy relationships. Boundaries help us to feel safe. "No" is a boundary. Importance of boundary setting and creating space for self are pre-conditions for autonomy and desire.

Are there instances where a couple thinks they are mismatched, but after therapy and exploring, they learn new things about themselves and realize they are more sexually compatible than they thought?
Absolutely. Therapy helps couples have a different lens to conceptualize their challenges and learn new tools to bridge the difference and create the conditions for responsive desire. I tell my couples all of the time that the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's where you water it. Most couples in long-term committed relationships are not watering the grass. It takes effort to romanticize your relationship; effort is definitely worth it from my perspective. You, however, are your own expert, so you get to choose. There are relationship skills that are proven through evidence-based research to have a strong, thriving relationship that supports both your individual growth and your growth as a couple.

Do you believe cheating to be a death sentence for a relationship?
No, the crisis can also be an opportunity—a wake-up call. Clearly, things weren't working, or certain needs were not getting met that one partner unilaterally decided to get their needs met outside of the relationship. Cheating isn't just about sex; it's about betrayal and breaking trust. Rebuilding trust is key and takes time. The couple is working to create a new 2.0 version of their relationship.

How can a couple reconnect and heal if cheating occurs due to undiscussed mismatched sexual desires?
Yes, mismatched sexual desires and sexless relationships are common reasons identified for the cause of cheating. It's also important to note sometimes happy people cheat, where it's more about discovering themselves or reconnecting with lost parts of themselves. The pain is often more about the betrayal of trust than the sex itself. The crisis of an affair can also be an opportunity, a wake-up call to create a new and improved 2.0 version of their relationship. It starts with the person who cheats taking full responsibility and acknowledging the hurt they've caused; it takes time to rebuild trust and repair the relationship. Affair recovery is a process and healing journey, one that is often facilitated by working with a couple's therapist.

What are some fun activities couples with different interests can do to explore and connect, such as reading erotica, dirty talking, etc.?
First, for the lower libido partner, I invite them to keep their inner sexy pilot light on. We all have ways of turning ourselves on and off, just like our partner can. Know and own your pleasure first to share your turn-ons with your partner. Think about activities that make you feel connected, experiences like dancing and running, which get your heart rate up. Things that are a little scary engage the exciting feeling. Read erotica, share fantasies, and explore new sexual positions, toys, role play, and games; there are many ways to explore expanding your sexual menu together.